Where to start? It's been over a month now since my last post. I'd like to try and explain what my mind's been through in the past month, but every time I write something it comes out sounding like the voiceover to a bad screenplay. And then I cringe, highlight and violently press DELETE. 

Lets just say I'm better now. My mind's focused mainly on my writing and what my plans are going to be for the night. And egypt. I'm planning on going to Egypt in January with my Mom. How exciting! But since I'm the only child out of my immediate family who's ever been out of the country, I thought it was only fair that I pay for at least my ticket (over $1000!!!) and some other smaller expenses. But I've always been fairly descent at saving up my money, and this will only motivate me to work. And as another plus, I will always have something uplifting to think about at work while I'm daydreaming instead of helping out customers. Which is a frequent occurrence. 

The past 12 days of officially residing in Long Beach again have been filled with numerous parties, bridgeview lovin, 4 hour filmmaking conversations, beach bummin it, late night car rides to the Witches Brew and The Cup and Irish boys. Gotta love those accents!

Sometimes I just feel like doing this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brR9bVkq71o 

too bad all of our trains are underground. 

Surpirse, Surprise I have insomnia AGAIN

Okay, maybe its not insomnia today. Maybe it's I-woke-up-at-3:30-this-afternoon-disorder? So since I've only been up for 12 hours, its like its 10 pm for someone who wakes up at a reasonable hour on a saturday? Fuck. That doesn't make sense either. Cause why would a normal person have an insane amount of energy at 10 o'clock at night??? 

This isn't good. Because I have a whole lot of studying ahead of me to finish. And my hyperness is not allowing me to sit still and write index cards. Especially since I've been doing that ALL DAY. And I really need to get my studying done tonight because I'm working from 2:15 to sometime past midnight tomorrow (who knew it takes  over 4 hours to close a store? I sure didn't...). Whatever. At least I'm making money. And I want to start saving up now for a) an SLR digital camera and b) my study abroad program that I'm planning on taking part in when my first semester of junior year comes along. Which is totally sooner than it seems.

Although 21 just isn't coming fast enough...

La dee da.... I think I'm close to manic right now. 

This isn't good. 

Wish me luck on a speedy recovery to sanity and the ability to concentrate?

Well THIS Explains A Lot

I'm glad I'm not the only one out there like myself. 

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

(If you're wondering, but hopefully you're not because I think it's painfully obvious after reading the article, I would consider myself a complete introvert, not an extravert)  

Humanity

I feel like I've just been beat up psychologically. My heart is thumping. My breathing's shallow. I'm nauseous and my head feels like its swelling up. My mind is hazy and unclear. 

I hate the way humans treat each other. I hate that their are millions of people around the world who have no voice. That oppression takes place constantly and consistently. That people are unwilling to keep an open mind and listen to what others have to say. That sometimes, you're surrounded by a group of people who you feel so out of synch with that leaving the room seems like an only option. Because some people are so stubborn and set on their own personal agenda that they can't sit back and think, hey--maybe I'm wrong and the other person's right.

Get a grip. Stop hating. Listen with open ears. Accept. Be gracious.

I think I'm taking a break from politics for a while. Not intellectually, but actively. I'm so done with the student movements going on at Hunter. I can't take it. 

Evidently, $8.50/hr isn't that great after all for a job in manhattan. Umm, gonna start handing in applications at restaurants. Arghh.

: )

For the past few days, I've seriously been in the best mood I've been in for a while. I love it. I'm incredibly content and more than satisfied with how everything's been falling into place. I found out I have a job today. yay! ok, so don't laugh at me. it's at American Eagle. I know, I have a nose stud. How on earth was I hired? Especially considering I don't own a single clothing item from there? but who cares. I'll be making $8.50 an hour and will finally be able to stop worrying about my continually shrinking banking account. 

I've also been getting involved with my school's socialist organization. wait, back up? I'm a socialist? well not quite. I've pretty much established myself as somewhere in between a capitalist and a socialist. I'm intrigued by socialist ideas and policies. they advocate for equality and the betterment of society. and i recognize that something ABSOLUTELY needs to be done in this country to change the ridiculous class system we have going on. but this isn't quite the best place to rant about that, because this entry would be too long and most people would stop reading at this point. But I will say this: I also recognize that socialism has its faults. like how, in canada, you might have to wait a year just to get heart surgery. not cool at all. with all the intelligent people in this country, however, there must be a way to figure out how to make sure working class families are covered and at the same time our medical system stays as effective as it is today. 

I've also been getting involved with Gay Activism, which is the issue I'm the most passionate about right now. To me, homophobia is just as bad as racism. And the fact that our country doesn't legally allow gay marriage yet speaks for how much needs to be done. But I have hope. If friggin John McCain's daughter supports gay marriage, (and Obama doesn't support it, btw) then it makes me think younger generations are more open minded about this and that soon we will be closer to ending gay discrimination in this country.

k I'm done ranting. 

<3

My Mind Has Dissapeared

My brain has either:

a) left my head and is now floating somewhere in close proximity to me or

b) has turned into goo

either one should explain why I literally can't think/function/participate in any of my classes/make sense. 

BTW, what's with all of my friends getting into twitter? Not that I have any objection to it. I just remember when no one knew about it and everyone was like wtf is this 140 character thing? I suppose people said that about facebook and myspace too though. Minus the 140 character part, because you can obviously post much more than that on those two sites.

Spring Break is finally here yay!! I wanna die easter eggs and eat lots of chocolate bunny heads.

Sickk

I feel sick and I can't fall asleep even though I haven't gotten a full nights sleep for the past week. I DID manage to get to that in-between stage of awake and sleep around 9ish but just as I was drifting off my roomate came home and I was pulled out of my dreams.

So now I have a stummy ache, swallowed 2 icky valerian pills for nothing, and am slightly delirious due to my continuos lack of sleep. Which may explain why I've been googling random people I know just to see what pops up? Stalkerish, I know. 

But this still doesn't change the fact that I feel nauseous and I'm a creep.

Ugh, my life. 

What I'v been looking at since the last post (obviously not studying film)

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter--the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these trembling cities there greatest is the last--the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is the third city that accounts for New York's high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the intense excitement of first love, each absorbs New York with the fresh yes of fan adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company...  - E.B. White

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

(shhhh.... don't tell anyone but i found out about the e.e. cumming's poem through the movie In Her Shoes, which I love, btw. But in all seriousness I am studying the modernist period in Lit and we looked at some of e.e. cumming's other poems, all of which I love)

Procrastination

Usually I LOVE studying for my film quizzes because I find the material so fascinating. But I can't do it right now. I mean, I read the chapter and all but i haven't started studying for my quiz, as in compiling together a bunch of terms/definitions on a piece of looseleaf paper. There's just SO MUCh on my mind, most of them lovely thoughts. Like Topshop opening tomorrow OMG. I've literally been waiting for this day since the 9th grade, when I first started reading vogue/teen vogue and all of their magnificent articles on topshop's amazingness. PLUS I have a gift card that could potentially hold $500 for me to spend on clothing. But more likely than not, it holds the minimum of $5 but I'll just have to wait and see tomorrow how much I have to spend. Not that having only $5 would prevent me from spending more than I can afford.

 

Wish List:

1) A pretty flirty skirt

2) Skinny Skinny Jeans

3) Some inexpensive Jewelry

I am not allowing myself to go into the Shoe Lounge. Last time I impulsively bought shoes I realized a few hours later that I couldn't quite wear them with anything in my wardrobe. And pointlessly made people in H&M think David was a transvestite because he held my shoes for a half hour while I tried to find an ATM on Lexington and 59th. 

Topshop here we comeeeeeee

Dining Room Table

It doesn't take much to distract myself from studying. Especially when I'm looking out the window. And you know what? While I was supposed to be reading my history documents, I noticed that with me sitting on one side of the dining room, it appears as if the Empire State Building is sitting across from me. Maybe this is why I have so many conversations with the Empire State Building?

OK now I'm just going crazy. 

Everlasting Youth

Sometimes, one of the best feelings in the world is driving around in a convertible, the first of spring twirling about in your hair, blasting the music real high to catch the attention of others and knowing that you're friends are there with you too, in that same luxurious moment. 

Yeah, I loved Delaware and sleeping in a dorm and knowing that spring isn't too far away. I had an amazing tuesday and wednesday. Despite having funny dreams about Robert Pattinson being rude to me and a made up NYU orchestra that wouldn't let me play my viola with them. 

: )

Delaware

I'm going to Delaware tomorrow to visit Frankie with Kristen! In a real dorm! In a legit college not a commuter college like Hunter!

This should be a true adventure weee

Avoiding History Outlines Can Be Fun

So despite being John McCain's daughter, Meghan McCain and I actually have a lot in common and yes, one of these similarities includes our name. We both support gay marriage, believe the republican party is full of too many traditional ideas, believe in stem-cell research, the importance of the internet and we both passionately DESPISE Ann Coulter. For many of these reasons, I have been following her blog on The Daily Beast http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-09/my-beef-with-ann-coulter/.

Despite being a democrat myself, I find her blog highly entertaining, intelligent and witty. And I wish more people could understand that when it comes down to it, we shouldn't assume that just because ones a democrat, republican or in any other type of party that they fit the typical mold of that party. If a typical mold in reality does even exist.

Rawr

This morning I took the ferry home from Staten Island. There was a layer of fog sweeping over the hudson and gracing the bottom of manhattan island with it's presence. It was absolutely gorgeous. I'll take a grey sky over a blue one any day. A grey sky has so many layers to it, so many shades of blue and purple and green. Look closely into the overcast sky one day and I swear you'll see it.

And the Hudson was a murky yellow green but I promise that was beautiful too!

A cloudy day gives me a thrill a blue sky cannot. There's something so powerful about a day like today. Maybe it's the fact that you know the potential the sky holds, the storms it can produce. And even though you've already checked weather.com for the day, somewhere inside of you is going, "is the sky going to erupt downwards onto the street? will the wind start gusting suddenly?" And you never quite know the answer to that until it happens.

Or maybe It's depressing and I've been obsessed with depressing things since I was three? ie the game poor people I used to play with my sister under the kitchen table, which was supposed to be our hut in the middle of the woods where we would have to fend for ourselves and collect lego blocks of food and dress up in clothes we sewed ourselves (which in reality were just old halloween costumes)

Evidently I also had issues when I was little cause this was totally my favorite game up until middle school (yes I still played imaginary games in middle school)

Change is Good

So I'm seriously contemplating going down to Washington next Sat. and protesting the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. I just need to make sure I have at least one friend with me, since its about a 5 hour drive on the bus there and back and although I'm friendly with a bunch of people who are going, it'll be nice to have an actual friend there. Hopefully Ayah will come with me yay!

I like getting involved with all the political movements going on at hunter and I'm definitely meeting new people that have really interesting thoughts and ideas and are equally as open to listening to what I have to say, even if it differs from their opinions. I even made posters last Thurs. advertising the protest next Wed at 1 PM outside Hunter West. After the rally, we'll hopefully get enough people to go to the meeting with the Vice President at Hunter to press her on issues surrounding the tuition hikes going into affect in Fall 09 throughout CUNY schools. 

Today was pretty good. School was alright, but then I met mommy by my apartment and she took me food shopping because I don't know how and the lady on line with us laughed when I was talking about how much I struggled making Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and that why I shouldn't even be ALLOWED to cook. The gas stove in this apartment still freaks me out. Afterwards, we met up with my dad, brother and Uncle. The restaurant was amazing and I got to drink wine woo. I also finally talked to my Uncle about that internship at Rescue Me. I'm going to be ruthless about that and make sure I get it this time!

Current Mood: Irritable

And I don't quite know why. Maybe it's because, dare I say it, I miss my parents? Because this is kind of how I felt right before I impulsively decided to go visit them last time. And I miss my Amy and Lauren and Nicole and T-Bell and Frankie and Kristen. 

Oh yeah, and my siblings too. A bit.

So I guess this is my weak attempt at apologizing for my obnoxious behavior. 

Idk, but I kinda feel like this:

As I was walking through a life one morning

The sun was out, the air was warm but

Ohhh, I felt cold.

And though I must have looked a half a person

To tell the tale in my own version

It was only then that I felt whole.

Zoning Out is Not Cool When You're Reading Shakespeare

My mind is not in the same room as me. I was reading Hamlet and totally skipped over the part where Hamlet dies. And all of a sudden I'm done with the play and go wait, wasn't Hamlet supposed to die? And then look back 1/2 a page and realize yes, he does in fact die and I'm an idiot. 

I'm so exhausted, just mentally and physically. I'm sick of fighting my thoughts. So I'm giving up and accepting the fact that I'm going to have to deal with them sooner or later. I'll immerse myself in them for a while and hopefully I'll come back up clean and refreshed. 

Insomnia Sucks. Big Time.

So it's 4:31 in the morning and I have to wake up at 10 tomorrow morning ahh! So I try to read Rebecca, which I love. And by the way it sort of ties into something I'm writing now with the essence of someone who's dead still in the house. Ghosts and such. 

But I digress.

So then I attempt slumber for about 30 minutes, and realize it's not gonna happen anytime soon. As I'm lying down, my mind keeps flitting back to the summer, and the pieces it was composed of. So much happened and I felt so many different emotions- some new, some old. And I'm not sure how much I've grown since then, if at all.

I feel like you never realize it when you're growing up until you look back several years in he past. Then you might see it- a bit. 

I also feel like Enid from Ghost World for several reasons. I've felt like this since Wed. when I watched Ghost World after forgetting about its complete amazingness. 

I honestly don't feel tired at all. This is complete nonsense. I feel like I could run a few miles right now, I'm THAT energetic. So not cool. And so uncalled for.

Dear Brain,

Will you shut up? I need to go to sleep.

K thanks,

Megan

Whenever I go to staten island I swear its just an inter-web of various streets dotted with a few friends' houses, sushi places, hookah bars and coldstone. Seriously.

Thoughts While Procrastinating

I can't help but look at the Empire State Building because, for one, it's right outside my bedroom window; two, because it's all lit up and three, because it's massive and could kick all the other building's asses. 

And every time I gaze at it, I realize that it's one of the only constants in my life. It'll never get old. It will never die or leave me. And then I smile, and think about all the stories it has to tell. Like how many kisses took place on the top deck, how many proposals? How many elated tourists excitedly chattered about the view and how many little kids squealed with a combination of awe and fright? And then, of course, my mind wonders to Cary Grant in An Affair to Remember and I wonder how many people, in real life love affairs, romantically met up there?

And, of course, then I think of the time my brother bumped into the guy who ended up shooting seven people up there in 1997. What luck that my father, brother and I escaped when we did (but of course that didn't stop my mom from convincing herself that we were all dead because she saw the news story about it. Wait, what? Why didn't she call our cell? Oh yeah. Because normal people didn't own them then)

Things I learned When I Went Back Home For The Weekend

A) My Dad needs to grow up

B) I love my mom

C) I really want to be the girl from Breathless when I grow up (minus the whole lover who's a murderer thing):

Random Musings

Some crazy man kept on offering his seat to people standing in the subway. It was a little too polite. He kept calling the females "Mam" and the men "Sir". 

Or maybe he wasn't crazy and just legitimately polite and we're the crazy jaded rude ones. Who knows.

Also spotted: an Amy Winehouse lookalike on 14th and 5th. She had the hair, the clothes, even the piercing above the lip. The only thing missing was the crack pipe. Seriously. 

Nothing too exciting happened at school today. I don't particularly like Tuesdays or Fridays because I only get to see my friends for umm, 15 minutes? Not cool. But my English class was cancelled, which I guess is pretty cool considering I didn't finish Frankenstein (yes I read sparknotes but then I felt guilty and wanted to finish the whole book. I only got up to chapter 22). I feel kind of bad about not liking Frankenstein honestly. I love the whole concept of the tragic hero and how the monster has redeeming qualities. But for some reason I can't finish it!

What's wrong with me?

I just realized that I fall in love with too many literary characters and I must stop this at once. Unless I somehow find a way to materialize myself into the books that fuel these delirious scenarios that I have made up in my head. 

If someone were able to read my brain, they sure would have a fun time. Because I even get amused by what goes on in there. But most of the time it just confuses me. 

This is why I need to write more often. Because then I can channel my thoughts into something productive, rather than rambling in a blog, journal or index cards that I'm fond of writing nonsense on (most of these are crammed into my desk, never to be seen again by the way). 

Mmkay gonna work on a screenplay now. Yes? Good. Excellent. 

I saw a peculiar man on the subway today. He looked all tough on the outside. His skin was gruff and dark and he had thick stubble on his face. He had a piercing in the middle of his chin and he wore a leather jacket. And yet, he had the longest, most elegant finger nails I have ever seen. They looked healthy and strong and they were grown out, like how a woman from the upper east side would wear them. Just unpainted. 

Go figure. 

Well I'm finally feeling normal again and who knows why? I guess you just have to except the fact that you go through stages of highs and lows and this time the low didn't last too long, luckily.

I'm excited for this weekend. My friend Kristen is coming down from Potsdam and I can't wait for her to meet my awesome friends and see my equally awesome apartment. And I can't wait to celebrate anti-valentines day and get drunk and just feel like your average college student. Who knows she's surrounded by people who care about her and always feels like she can be herself around them. I like not trying to prove myself to anyone. And I like not having any intention of being anyone than who I want to be : ) I know I'm being corny, but that's what happens when you're legitimately happy I guess. 

And now I must go and study for film. But I don't mind really because I find the cinematography chapter fascinating. It made me realize how much I really want to be a cinematographer one day, despite being a female and recognizing that the film industry is highly sexist.

Also, my roommate just made exquisite chocolate chip cookies. Maybe I will get used to having two roommates and start popping out of my bedroom once in a while so they don't think I'm socially inept (which I am, but that's besides the point). 

So I've finally moved out of my parents house. Yay!?

But why to I feel so lousy? And I'm not really convinced that it's just because I miss my family and my bed and the smell of my old room. I guess that's all part of it.

But I'm scared that I might be slipping into depression. And I don't want to go back there ever again. I'm trying to keep myself out of it. But sometimes I don't even care enough to try and drag myself out. And that's when I get sadder because I've realized it's already started to penetrate me. And I wish I could go back to where I was. 

So I'm trying to concentrate on doing well in school (2nd semester started last week) and my writing in order to distract myself. I'm toying around with these two ideas, both romantic stories. I guess that's what happens when you're pretty much going through a personal drought for a time far longer than I would like to mention. Both stories are a bit far fetched, and I haven't decided whether or not they would be better as screenplays or novels. One's more of a dramatic romance story and the other is an eccentric romantic comedy. 

School's been going pretty well, although I wish my classes were similar to my friend's classes because all of our breaks are all over the place and I don't see them in between classes as much as I'd like. 

Also, I'm pretty much an adult now. Since moving into this new apartment in manhattan, I have to go food shopping. And do all of my own laundry. And remember not only to feed myself, but to eat healthy too. And I have to buy things I would have never thought of buying before, like hand soap and q-tips. And I have to make my bed now because I'm sharing a bedroom with someone other than my messy sister. But the sad thing is, that's really not adult at all. I don't even pay taxes or have to deal with health insurance yet. And I know in the back of my mind if any emergency ever happened, or I was desperate for money my parents would totally help me out. 

How on earth am I going to deal with real adulthood in a few years?